It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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