your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
