just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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