just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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