Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
