her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
