battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
