I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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