Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
