gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
