so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
