Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
