We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
