Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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