We won't sleep together?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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