I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
