Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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