You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
