im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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