can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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