There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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