im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
