she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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