Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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