News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
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I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
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there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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