I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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