what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
