meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
