she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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