My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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