I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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