Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I need moral support for this bender
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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