I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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