I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This baby is an asshole
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We had sex on a dog bed..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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