Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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