i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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