I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
