I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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