And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
