i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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