dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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