i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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