I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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