Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
