if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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