her vagine was all disorganized.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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