i barfeds in our rink
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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