If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
