new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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