Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?