if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He better not be in your backpack
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all