i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
