I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
