I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
